just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
