I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
