I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
