I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
