I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
