he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
