I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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