He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
