At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
