The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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