im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
