My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
