even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
