I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
