Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
