she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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