Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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