Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
