i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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