fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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