tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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