No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
