My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
