The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
