Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
