I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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