I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
