I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
