I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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