Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
