I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
