I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
