I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
