You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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