I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
