Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
