i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
