Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
