I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
