stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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