Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh god it's open bar.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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