I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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