Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
