we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
