he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
