i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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