can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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