yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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