She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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