Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
